Thursday, May 20, 2010

...the shutter pre-development, the ink full in the pen...

it’s been a while since i’ve talked real stuff up in here.  that’s mostly because the last three weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind and dorothy didn’t quite know where to put the bowl of oranges while her furniture was still up in the air.  are you with me?
anyway, the tornado that is my life has left me alone for a hot minute, so this hot minute will be used on the blog.
I started this blog 6 months ago with the idea that it could be (should be) a place for me to put my crazy on paper.  disassemble my musings one by one and contemplate their design - kind of like what you do with russian nesting dolls.  there really is nothing else you can do with those dolls, except put the smaller one inside the bigger one and the smaller one inside that one, and so forth, until you end with the baby.  the beginning.
so here’s my beginning:  nine months ago, i left a very good early/kind of early professional career.  i left because i could feel my heart change...there were things i’d always loved that started to gather cobwebs, there were fears i never had that started to fill the room under my ribs, there was this filament of Not-Kay that started taking over and there was that d r e a d f u l thought of, “is this it?”  that filled my joints every morning and sat with me at night when i’d land exhausted on the couch (quite nimbly holding a giant glass of wine in one hand, however; i surprise myself with this ability) only to wait for tomorrow’s stresses.  not fun.  most of you who know me know I am a pretty happy person.  well, I was not happy.  
so i left.  it was the most reckless thing i’ve done.  i don’t even have a tattoo.
and i thought when i was leaving that i would only need three weeks to figure out the rest of my life, would spin a plastic globe beneath my fingers, fly to wherever my pinky pointed with camera in tow, and document the world’s ramblings so i didn’t have to figure out my own.  
but instead, i traveled (nationally), caught up with and met so many awesome and talented humans, fell in love with a non-profit that helps kids, lived life with my camera around my neck, drank more water than I have in years and ran the country roads around my town so hard I swear there is mizuno tread prints in the tarmac edges forevermore.  and then two days ago, i accepted a job.  in boston.  in advertising.
it’s funny how God works.  and yes I say God because I believe He is absolutely real and a part of my life.  Because everything that happens in my life could not possibly be by coincidence or fate or fault, and because I am perfectly imperfect, and there’s no way that happened by accident.
ask me six months ago if i’d ever get into advertising again and i’d shake my head and your shoulders so hard we’d both get kicked off the team.  but timing is everything and over time, i experienced the building up of a confidence i thought was out the window for good.  i experienced friendships that grew and held mirrors for which to see the reflection of a girl who has a TON OF AWESOME to share with the world, and most importantly, i reconnected with Kay Miller, you know, that girl in that girl in that girl who somehow found that she made herself smaller to fit other people’s visions of where she needed to be, and it’s weird how easily that can happen.  but as easily as i slipped into a sea of inauthenticity, i began living out in small ways, gaining my sense of self back.  i came to realize how much i actually loved aspects of old job; the building up of brands, working with clients and creative teams, collaborating and having the ability to affect change.  i started finding myself on long walks with ex-ad execs trilling on about what brands were successful and why.  i became a bit of a dork about it, actually.  but the love was coming back.  i was dating the idea of returning.  it was nice. 
so here i go, back to boston, into something so similar, yet so different.  i’ve made a list of who I am to me.  it’s pretty hilarious...but i have learned too much about this fantastic woman that I am and am becoming, that i certainly do not intend to water her down ever again.  i’m excited.  there are new adventures to be had and if there’s one thing i know for certain:  there’s always room for a good adventure.

1 comment:

  1. ohmygosh. i am so, so flippin (got flippin from my favorite miller twins) proud-slash-excited-slash-pumped-slash-overwhelmed with joy for all of this. you...are...amazing. i am so glad you've found yourself again; the not watered down version. drinking all that H2O in maine put a lot of the right stuff back. i loooove you my dear, dear, friend.