now here.

It’s another round of winter outside.  they’re calling for 19 degrees today and an even colder night + day tomorrow.  WHOO.  I didn’t order this weather.  this wasn’t on the menu.  but i’ll take it.  what else can we do?  besides, it is a nice excuse to keep the fires going, eat that second helping of turkey chili and exercise indoors.  

haven’t been able to run much since the first of the year.  my psoas has succeeded (finally) in getting 100% of my attention and this time i’m listening and proactively (by course of retroactively) setting up my core to be the strongest it’s ever been.  this morning I took a class of Core Vinyasa yoga at Back Bay Yoga Studios, taught by the founder, Lynne B.  The class was completely full and the room warmed quickly.  I’d never taken the core class before but it was apparent from the first few minutes that she was going to be tough, and funny, and push us to our limits.  Throughout the hour and a half class I could feel my hips opening up and my arms, back, legs, abs, getting stronger and rooting down. establishing themselves. muscles i had no idea i had and had no idea how to use, were firing.  i shook a lot.  but i held on and found myself often on the edge of collapse/fatigue....you know: The Limit, but i dug in and found that tiny pool of strength located somewhere in this 5’9” frame.  it’s the same pool that fires up on your last 2-minuter, the last climb of a hill session, the release of resisting that suddenly frees you up to gut out the last 2k of a road race with indomitable speed.

it was awesome.

I’m almost a regular at this studio now and it feels good to return a smile to the girl with the blue mat, the tall guy who can do the handstands in wednesdays classes.  it’s like an uber earthy family and no one’s wearing any make up.  i love it.  

last weekend i was out visiting my cousin, Molly, in Northampton, MA.  We were headed out later in the day to see The Felice Brothers perform at Mass MoCa, and decided to take an early morning yoga class, which was awesome (see psoas?  read this.  i am totally strengthening you. i am being patient.  let me run you soon.). 

Now, sometimes teachers direct you through a series of poses and you proceed to hold them for an ungodly amount of time while they walk around + talk about about their day and you’re trembling and holding your breath and silently begging them to bring you back down to child’s pose. but this class was cool. Niema asked us to focus on the “hard part”.  she challenged us to accept something hard and to try.  just try.  try and fail and get back up and try (i think our legs were up around our shoulders at this point, with our toes by our noses).  And then she said this:


“be present.  be now here.  NOW HERE.  don’t hold your breath, don’t lose yourself or talk yourself out of the hard stuff.  then you are no where. NO WHERE.  so you’re either “now here” or you’re “no where” and the difference between these two is the tiniest of spaces and that space sits just below your belly button and it’s always available to you at any time.”  

and it hit me really hard.  and i loved it.  it’s that simple sometimes.  so i held on.  i shook and sweat a lot but i held on and imagined that little space on either side of the ‘w’ ...and i push it slowly to the left and, instead of feeling my fears, i focused on my ability. now here.

here’s a fresh poppy sound that’s been making me joyous.  it’s been on repeat for days.

xo

kay

SNOW DAY!

nothing gold can stay, but for today, today. 
an early morning romp on the streets proved good for every fiber of my being. my camera liked it, too.  after a cup of joe and a few emails, me and my nikon took the streets.  here are some from my neighborhood. enjoy + brrr.
xcxokay

this intersection of mine

what i think when i think about boston

stop, light, stop, light

snow bench

my ladies on the avenue.  i come to them when i need their silent/sage advice

i run by her almost every day and i like to think she's got something she'd like to tell me.

the matron lady

little details like snow on bark

my turn.

 bronzed + cold on comm ave.

walk walk walk walk walk as white as snow

Up through sky + it's a maze (ing)

bladder battle

Well I’m excited for the New Year.  It’s been a pretty eventful one thus far and seeing as how 2011 is just 5 days old, it can only get better.  On Monday, my twin, Mary (I feel the need to constantly reintroduce her to you), was admitted to the hospital for gallbladder surgery.  It was technically “emergency” surgery because most operations are scheduled a month in advance.  This one was scheduled in one week. 

Mary’s had digestive issues for the last few years.  I say issues not to downplay them, but because they were so fickle and severe and elusive that for years, we simply couldn’t figure out what was wrong.  I guess it was mid-summer when she finally went in for a scan and they found some giant mother bleeping gallstones building a house in her gallbladder and, hence the crazy pain.  At the urging of her naturopath, she tried some crazy “natural” way of passing the stones, which entailed green apples, vinegar, limes and olive oil (i kid you not).  Gross.  But it worked...for a hot second.

Then, on Halloween night, the gb (we’re going to shorten the gallbladder from this point on) was in serious tantrum mode and for 8hrs, Mary was on her side in pain.  I heard about it the next morning, how she almost went to the hospital.  First, only popping out another human being should be that hard.  No need to eat a good meal and then be writhing in pain.  That’s shear torture.  And 2nd, let’s thank the naturopath for the witches brew that solved her short-term issues with the pint-sized pebbles and now move onto a doctor.  who can remove the evil blob from your body entirely.

So, when Mare came back home for the holidays, she showed her test results to our family friend and incredible surgeon.  He didn’t like her amylase enzyme count and shizam! we have ourselves a surgery date.

Monday I was all nerves at work.  Not only was it the first day back in 10 days and I had some catching up to do, but her surgery was scheduled the middle of the day and I knew how nervous she was to go under.  Go under.  I’ve never had to “go under”, either and I can’t imagine giving up control like that.  What if you don’t wake up?  What if you feel everything?  I wanted to be right by her side.  But I was at a desk shuffling papers, my mind on her well-being and on her surgeon’s hands.

Surgery runs late and at 5pm I get a call from my crying mother. 

“It’s Mary....”

“MOM. WHAT?”

“She’s...They’ve found stones in her bile duct.  She’s going to need another surgery.  They need to monitor her overnight.”  

an hour later i was on a bus to Maine and stayed with her until midnight.  My mind spun everywhere and I wasn’t even sure it was on my head.  That girl is half my heart.  I almost threw up on the bus.  Twice. 

Today was her second surgery and it was a total success.  They’re still monitoring her, as there is a 10% chance she could get pancreatitis because of the jostling about of the surgical equipment during the operation.  But she’s in good spirits and will likely be released tomorrow.  I feel like I ran a marathon having watched this play out.  I’m sure she feels like she personally ran around the world including all the deserts and the oceans, too.  All with very little food and a whole lot of pain.  Reason #582 she is my hero.

I guess the reason I write all this out, why I write this to you, is because these last few days I have felt more joy and more pain than I cared to, but I couldn’t stop either from coming my way.  They were invisible freight trains appearing right as i hit them. full force.  That razor-sharp aliveness that buzzed the top of my head when my mom called, crying.  The fact that both surgeons ended up being two wonderful men - one a longtime family friend and the other, our next door neighbor who just a few days ago, offered to run a mile with my dad.  Little did he know he’d be working on Mary just days later:)

The number of nurses who were friends from our church, friends from the beach, locals that we’ve long seen in the wide world, who were now holding Mary’s hand on the operating table or swinging by to offer dinner to my parent’s as they sat with her.  I mean seriously.  It was awesome.  And I mean that in the truest sense of the word.  I was in awe at how it all came together, this tapestry of pain and joy and love.  

Mary (in her drugged state) and I were talking about all the cool things that transpired and, despite how terrified she felt, she was never alone.  There was always a familiar face popping up at the right time. The connectivity of it all.  We laughed.  God’s got a sense of humor and perfect timing.  She’s home for another week or so and will be raised back up in good health by the best parents in the world; Big John and Kaks:) 

Thanks to so many of you for the texts, the prayers, and for loving up on her and our family this week.  My parents are definitely MVPs of the year.  Please keep sending good thoughts and prayers her way.  She’s a good egg.  We need her back in the saddle and running down asphalt in a few short weeks.  First race of the season in Oz and that girl is going to Kill It.

xokay

Devon Crosby-Helms: Doing things that scare you

i love this girl's blog and have tried her tasty recipes. i had to post a link to her latest entry because i flippn love it and by the time i reached the end i felt inspired and it's important to be inspired but to act on it - to go there, to the red line - is as scary as it is rewarding. enjoy the read!

Devon Crosby-Helms: Doing things that scare you: "I don't normal consider myself someone who has many fears. In fact, I cannot bring to mind anything that I truly fear. I like to challenge ..."

Little Talks

I was listening to some music as I prepped for home and when I landed on this tune I couldn't stop listening.  Of Monsters & Men are a fairly new group out of Iceland - and recently won Iceland's nationwide battle of the bands competition.  Can't find their album anywhere and it turns out they're not signed....yet.  Very beautiful melodies and almost all acoustic save for one guitar.  I get a kick out of watching the video - from the tattooed hand of the accordionist, to the black cat wall decal just below the curtain, and the crazy hand portrait...there are treasures both visually and harmoniously throughout this little trinket of goodness.  It's no wonder my suitcase has yet to be filled and my clothes are still all over my bed!


enjoy:)
xokay

silent night

walking home this evening from a friend's birthday dinner and I - despite not being able to feel my toes due to thin socks and frye boots - felt like walking forever.  tonight is the first snowfall in boston!  it is absolutely beautiful outside.  i think i'll sleep with my shades tilted up towards the snowy heavens.  


silent night, holy night
all is calm all is bright


when i sing this part of the Silent Night, I get that kid feeling all over again.  I'm giddy and happy and peaceful.  And I am so excited to be home for the holidays.  it's a small winter wonderland this evening.  and there will be many more more snowfalls (and much larger ones) to come.  but this is the first.  and the first snow is always special.


i just had to share.
xo,
kay

(i'll) sleep tonight.

thursday evening i sat behind the driver’s seat somewhere on storrow drive, stuck in traffic at 11pm*.  I was trying to get to the airport to pick up my twin, who’d just flown in from Boulder for Christmas...and i was going to be very late.  i hate being late.  i think about what it’s like to arrive somewhere and how, climbing off a bus or out of an airport gate and seeing a familiar face smiling or jumping around excitedly makes you feel and it’s an awesome feeling.  i  knew tonight mary would be sitting on her bag by the automatic doors at southwest, looking out the window for me and the pressure mounted.  ugh, why can’t this car fly?  as i scanned the radio stations wishing i had my self-titled,  “i eat i ate i oat” mixed CD with kickbutt tunes I speed-dialed Pois for an alt route.  no dice.  I must wait through traffic.  by midnight, Moxy Mini swung into Terminal E where Miller Kay and Miller Mary joyously reunited, all frustration tossed into the New England winter winds.  ALAS!!!  My Twin!!

*to everyone who plans on night driving around the highways and biways of boston the next few days: beware the construction on the Science Museum Bridge and in the tunnel!  you’ll sit for 47 minutes as I did.  be sure to have good music.

This whole week was filled to the brim with events - between holiday parties and meeting friends out for a bite and prepping for mary miller, I was never in bed before 1am on any given night.  It was great but felt like a giant food + drink marathon!  I love the holiday season, but I also find that it means compromising a bit in order to stay healthy or do the things you love.  I, however, did nothing of the sort.  I ran once on Monday and then sailor-dived into the rest of the week knowing it would be late, and I wasn’t going to suffer through winter winds or gym crowds for the rest of the week.  Nope.  So I owned that and worked it :)

The weekend started off with a bang: Friday night we celebrated our dear friend Claire’s birthday.  The three of us had dinner at a nice italian restaurant in Beacon Hill, caught up on life and then met up with a larger group of really great humans at Towne.  It was fun to see all the people who came out to celebrate with Claire:  friends from New Balance, Saucony, from the Marathon expo circa 2005, and friends met through friends who were now good friends, etc.  The next few hours were drinks and the entire desert menu and laughter.  At the end of the night a small handful remained, one got a picture with a very drunk Bronson Arroyo, and then we each took cabs to our respective burrows.  Another late night, but very very very worth it.  I love that girl and I love her friends.  Happy Birthday, Pois!!

Next was Saturday.  Mary and I laid around for a very long time, catching up on Boulder and work and training.   Finally, at 1pm, we went out for a nice 90min run around the river.  She’s got a Garmin heart rate monitor and, according to her training schedule, needed to be sure she stayed under 150 heart rate.   It was clear she’d need to lead because I have no idea how to keep a run easy without constant reminders to myself, which I rarely can remember to do.  I was amazed at how consistent we were in our pace.  Then it was off to Christmas shop, eat stuff, more shopping and general absorption of the holiday season.  Couples and families, wrapped warmly from head to toe walking around with giant holiday bags under twinkling city lights.  Saxaphones being played on the street by the CVS, Bing Crosby being played from a window on Newbury Street.  I love the Christmas.

Today it was church service at Reunion (i am loving up on this church so much.  what wonderful cool humans), brunch with more good friends, and then dark rich beautiful coffee on my bed whilst Mary packed for home.  It’s 5:38pm and she’s on a bus to Portsmouth, where mom and dad will greet her and my bro, Pete will have driven down from Portland to surprise her (she doesn’t know it yet).  I love that girl so much and am looking forward to joining them at the end of the week.  Until then, it’s holiday party detox, maybe some tea and lots of sleep (who am I kidding.  bring on the hot chocolate! the wine! the figgy pudding!)...

xhohoho,

kay