now here.

It’s another round of winter outside.  they’re calling for 19 degrees today and an even colder night + day tomorrow.  WHOO.  I didn’t order this weather.  this wasn’t on the menu.  but i’ll take it.  what else can we do?  besides, it is a nice excuse to keep the fires going, eat that second helping of turkey chili and exercise indoors.  

haven’t been able to run much since the first of the year.  my psoas has succeeded (finally) in getting 100% of my attention and this time i’m listening and proactively (by course of retroactively) setting up my core to be the strongest it’s ever been.  this morning I took a class of Core Vinyasa yoga at Back Bay Yoga Studios, taught by the founder, Lynne B.  The class was completely full and the room warmed quickly.  I’d never taken the core class before but it was apparent from the first few minutes that she was going to be tough, and funny, and push us to our limits.  Throughout the hour and a half class I could feel my hips opening up and my arms, back, legs, abs, getting stronger and rooting down. establishing themselves. muscles i had no idea i had and had no idea how to use, were firing.  i shook a lot.  but i held on and found myself often on the edge of collapse/fatigue....you know: The Limit, but i dug in and found that tiny pool of strength located somewhere in this 5’9” frame.  it’s the same pool that fires up on your last 2-minuter, the last climb of a hill session, the release of resisting that suddenly frees you up to gut out the last 2k of a road race with indomitable speed.

it was awesome.

I’m almost a regular at this studio now and it feels good to return a smile to the girl with the blue mat, the tall guy who can do the handstands in wednesdays classes.  it’s like an uber earthy family and no one’s wearing any make up.  i love it.  

last weekend i was out visiting my cousin, Molly, in Northampton, MA.  We were headed out later in the day to see The Felice Brothers perform at Mass MoCa, and decided to take an early morning yoga class, which was awesome (see psoas?  read this.  i am totally strengthening you. i am being patient.  let me run you soon.). 

Now, sometimes teachers direct you through a series of poses and you proceed to hold them for an ungodly amount of time while they walk around + talk about about their day and you’re trembling and holding your breath and silently begging them to bring you back down to child’s pose. but this class was cool. Niema asked us to focus on the “hard part”.  she challenged us to accept something hard and to try.  just try.  try and fail and get back up and try (i think our legs were up around our shoulders at this point, with our toes by our noses).  And then she said this:


“be present.  be now here.  NOW HERE.  don’t hold your breath, don’t lose yourself or talk yourself out of the hard stuff.  then you are no where. NO WHERE.  so you’re either “now here” or you’re “no where” and the difference between these two is the tiniest of spaces and that space sits just below your belly button and it’s always available to you at any time.”  

and it hit me really hard.  and i loved it.  it’s that simple sometimes.  so i held on.  i shook and sweat a lot but i held on and imagined that little space on either side of the ‘w’ ...and i push it slowly to the left and, instead of feeling my fears, i focused on my ability. now here.

here’s a fresh poppy sound that’s been making me joyous.  it’s been on repeat for days.

xo

kay