I faithfully remain

i didn’t need a reminder that life was good.  and to be honest, when I woke up this morning and spent a solid hour reading “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo” with a french pressed coffee and a solid breakfast on my lap, I was completely convinced in my bones that life was, in fact, good.

but there was this concert, see.  In Canton, MA, which is only 18 miles from Boston.  And this concert existed only this weekend and would take place on a farm at the base of the Blue Hills.  Some friends had already bought tickets and really wanted me to go.  I wanted to go.  But I also really wanted to stay in the city and get some stuff done before the work week and before I leave to visit my sis in Boulder.  At 11am the phone rang.

“Kay, what are you doing.” (it wasn’t a question)

“Sam, I’m still not sure.  Are you going?”

“Yes, Em and I are buying tickets now.  You want in?  How ‘bout if I buy yours and you buy me beer all night?”

“Still not sure, Sammer.  Let me hit my run and I’ll think about it.  You buy your tickets.”

“Kay, this is a total deal.  What if I don’t drink $50 worth of beer?  Then you made out like a bandit.”

“Okay, let me think about it...”

And so I thought about it.  And about 40 minutes into my run, with the weather this nice and the everyone out and enjoying life....I realized I’d be stupid not to go.  So I purchase and an hour later I was picked up by Sam and Emily.  

I’m not really one for festivals.  Actually, I don’t mind festivals but I really hate large crowds.  I’d rather a small, intimate show than anything big.  I love the outdoors, but generally speaking, it plays to a larger audience and more often than not the acoustics stink.  But today was pretty flippn great.  The Life is Good festival took place at Prowse Farm, and was really well run.  In fact, I reckon it was the best organized festival I’ve been to (and I heard many people reinforcing this statement throughout the night)  The sun rolled slowly down the sky to the tunes of Dr. Dog, Ziggy Marley, Ozomatli, Grace Potter, and finally, Ben Harper....

There were tiny people carved out up in the cliffs of the blue hills, enjoying a free show as the pink clouds set into deep blues and the giant orange orbs lit up the fields.

The people, the crowd, the energy all were amazing too.  So much fun.  Happiness was everywhere.  None of this, “you’re standing on my blanket!” “I can’t see over your head!”, “Move! Stop talking!” etc....All good things.  

I smell like hash, my feet are dirty and my blanket has a million beer stains from random strangers.  But tonight was beautiful and it was shared in the company of friends and perfect strangers.   And we were smiling, and we were singing and we were content. 

And I am reminded as I head for the showers that it's easy to not change, to accept doing the same old, same old because it's comfortable.  I am convinced that if I had stayed in Boston and done all the things I was going to do, I would still be content at the end of the day.  Nothing would change and that's not a bad thing.  But I did something different.  And it felt good, despite my desire to be lazy all day :)  And I'm sure some days I will need to be that Lazy thing.  But today I stood up and I went somewhere and I was part of a larger and beautiful picture.  

Today was solid and awesome and I am exhausted and my voice is gone but I feel great. And I am reminded that despite all the chaos swirling about us...Life, my friends, is good. And sometimes it takes changing up routine to believe it all over again.

xohsohohoh,

kay

i'm working on a high hope

It all started when Sam sat down with his guitar and started to play, “Only Living Boy in New York”.  Sam has a good voice.  Sam went to Colby College and was on the a capella team.  team?  maybe it’s not a team; maybe it’s a choir.  we’ll call it a choir.  

We’d just come back from the beach.  we sprawled out on the couch, each wrapped up in the lull that happens after a day in salty, sun and sand.  It was later afternoon and the sky melted down into rich yellows and the air cooled.  i fall in love with dusk every day.

Katie, Em and Sam had come up to my parent’s house for the weekend to hang out.  I was dog-sitting while my parents were up in Camden living out my father’s dream of watching sailboats in the harbor of that salty seaside town he had frequented as a deckhand as a boy.  Going back after nearly 45 years was going to be one beautiful trip down memory lane for him and a special moment he wanted to share with his beautiful bride.  And with Earl never having touched our great state, it was all in the cards for a lovely, cool, blue-skied weekend for all!

So there we were, the four of us, half-dozing.  Sam tooling around on his guitar, Emily about to hop in the shower, when he played the first few chords of Simon + Garfunkel’s beautiful melody and decided we could all harmonize.  okay first you should know i have this thing.  I want to be able to harmonize.  and I can’t.  mind you, I can sing like a normal person.  I mean I’m no Zoey Dechanel, but I can lay down a mean Jean Valjean/Javier impression and you better believe I can hold my own on most tracks on my iPod.  But when it comes to harmonizing, I got nothing.  zip, zilch, nada.  So you think, “Big deal, Miller.  It’s not like it’s a big part of your life.”  and you’d be right.  but I still want to do it.  And I still pester anyone who can do it, to teach me how (ask Pete Harvey how annoying I was on our way to Killington last winter).  But, you guys.  20 minutes and a few dozen unsuccessful tries later, we nailed it.  and I mean NAILED it.  Sam, the patient teacher, gave me one note.  ONE NOTE.  And whatever everybody else was doing, I just focused on that one note and guess what dudes?  I did it.

This led to ecstatic leaps from my side of the couch.  I sounded like a two year old who’d been tossed in the air, “Again! Again!”  

So, after nailing it a few more times and feeling hopped up on the good energy and the beautiful beautiful consonance of our voices, we got to talking about how harmony has such an effect on music (another gentle reminder that I can appreciate this as a listener, though I still cannot contribute to it:)).

I remembered a time not too long ago when a friend shared with me this video of Glen Hansard singing a new, untitled song at The Wiltern in LA last year.  he asks the crowd to sing the chorus with him.  then he asks those who are brave enough to harmonize and what follows is wonderful.  I hope you enjoy. 

xo,

Kay 

Mary Miller. Triathlete.: TImberman...making it there on time.

oh we racing!

i heart his day. DIBENS in the lead:) Dad pulling up the rear. Kate holding steady.....Jarrod video-taping mad skillz:)

Mary Miller. Triathlete.: TImberman...making it there on time.: "Jarrod Vos (videographer skillz)- Kay Miller, Mike Dibens, Kate Miller-- 'drafting' to Timberman race start. You'll see my dad behind tryin..."

Without giving anything away, we find ships inside of bottles

I’m turning 30. 

in one week, at 12:06am I will be in a new decade of my life.  Lot’s of people consider birthdays about as fun as lead balloons - especially as they arrive at an age they consider “old”.  Well, I’ll go on record for telling you that I FLIPPN LOVE that I’m turning 30.  For many reasons.

• i never thought I would.  Seriously.  When I was 18, I figured I would go to college, graduate, marry the guy I dated, and by the time I was 24 I would have children and then the rest of the years just sort of faded out in my mind because, I suppose in my teenage brain, I’d felt that having done all those things would’ve checked the boxes of Things to Accomplish in Life.  I’m almost 30 and it’s a totally new color wheel of amazingness and adventure ahead.  i ask you: what is not to love?
• The last 10 years have taught me a lot.  Like, A TON.  I went from proper education to whirlwind working world; small town to city; being comfortable in my own skin to being extremely unfamiliar; confident to completely up-anchored and back again.  I learned how to manage a checkbook, to cook complicated things (i don’t do this often, ever).  But still, I learned.  I learned what heartache was.  What heartbreak and heartjoy meant.  I learned the gravity of words.  I learned how wide and deep and how strong my heart was.  It’s not just a muscle for pumping my blood to all the bits, it’s got walls and corners and catapulting machines I never knew existed.   I grew up in me.  I swept away my own cobwebs, I held the mirror to my face, I rejoiced or desperately searched for the mustard seed of faith I knew I owned because God put it there and I’d seen it before, mostly in the hard times.  I loved these last 10 years and now it’s time to let them go.  So I send them off with a million thank-yous.  They taught me well.
• I have a twin to share it with.  And she is definitely the coolest person in the world, so while there are millions of humans with my birthday, I have someone I love to share it with, and that’s really an awesome thing.  imagine getting a phone call 13 minutes before your birthday and having that person shouting to the heavens “I’m older than you are!  I’m 16 first!  I’m 21 first!  I just turned a quarter-of-a-century! Yayyyy for me!”  Imagine two cakes every year.  Imagine getting a wake-up tap or a phone call at in the middle of the night from the one person who shared life with you before you were technically born.  That’s her.  That’s why it’s an honor to be here.  We get to celebrate life together, no matter where we are.
• Friends.  Duh.  Friends and Family are the Russian Nesting Dolls by which this tiny old me can safely exist.  I love em.  I have a GREAT blog coming up of last weekend’s incredible Friday filled with amazin humans who turned out to the Miller household for some good old-fashion fun.  Talent Night!  Bonfire!  Tents on the lawn!  A kitchen resplendent with Mom’s famous brownies! Hodgie’s bottle of Tanqueray! my therapist (ha), copious amounts of raps, mad guitar and djembe skills, harmonies, story-telling and the like.  Friends from all walks of my life.  Friends who drove up, biked extra miles across the country just to be there, walked up the street, drove from Philly, all to be together.  Family who spent the day preparing, welcoming, helping, and laughing.  Forget birthday, these were the best people in my life and I was happy to see them all together.
• My faith has been rocked a few times.  By death, by my own stupidity, by allowing life to grow bigger and allowing God to grow smaller.  But in my reflecting, in my sitting here and spinning through memories of my days on Masque Farm as a child, in my father’s arms after my beloved Grandma Barb passed away, barefoot on a walk with my Mom, University, falling in love for the first time, my first apartment, the study abroad, my most recent adventure of living at home while I figured out the map of my life.........all of these things have the fingerprint of God; a discernible vein through the center of every moment that ever was.  He who has always known who I’d be and how I’d get there, guiding me.  And in grace I take the next step into this great new decade.

And finally, I am excited to turn thirty because quite honestly, I really like me.  I really like who I’m becoming and I look forward to seeing how much more I can grow and get to know this girl, this woman, this Kay (slap some bread around that cheese and call it a sandwich.  whatever, it’s true).

here’s to another decade in t-minus 7 days and counting...

xo

Kay

all that we let in

Just a huge “YEAHGIRL!!” to Fee, who raced the Falmouth Road Race this weekend and did so well:)  I met Fee a few years (two years?) back when I was out visiting my twin in The Boulder.  She’s a truly fabulous human with whom I had the pleasure of sharing my city with on a Sunday night...where Cheesecake Factory mishaps, giant scoops of ice cream and a rainy early morning river run were in order. 

It’s inspiring to listen to her talk about how hard she works at her sport, how much she loves it and how willing she is to make the sacrifices necessary to be Amazing.  It’s in her bones.   So flippn cool is she that I cannot, cannot, cannot wait to watch her s o a r this season.   I like to think I create very cool nicknames for people (hers is “Feeeeeeeeenominal!”) and I think I’m, like, totally accurate:)

Short blip this evening.

Oh, and i pick up my twin from the airport in about 30 minutes.  This week is the bee’s knees.  No big deal. 

More to come....

xxoo

kay

yes to friends and life! to hoodies and blondes!

I squeeze the sky

Last weekend I was lying on my back looking up at the stars on a dock on a lake in New Hampshire.  

A coworker had invited a few of us to her parent’s camp which was located on an island somewhere in the middle of Lake Winnepausake.  Of course we did all the fun things you do at a lake house:  boating, swimming, eating, exploring, lying around the dock, eating more, imbibing - all checked off on the Fun Things To Do at a Lake House in the Summer Awesome List.  

Sometime late in the night, we found ourselves splayed out like giant starfish on the dock, staring out at the sky, silent.  I’m sure I speak for the others when I say I was completely mesmerized by the flecks of stars that scattered the midnight space - like God had taken a fistful of glitter and tossed it across the universe.

After a while, it was just two of us laying there, bookending the wide planks of dock, presumably lost in our own small thoughts on a giant lake in a vast world.  

“I’ve seen six shooting stars so far tonight.” Chris says.

“You know it’s funny, isn’t it?” I thought out loud, “You really only see them in your periphery - never in focus.  It’s always you staring up at the sky and somewhere on the outer edges you see a dot fall, and just as you shift your eyes to catch it, it’s gone.”

Just then a bright orange flame sliced across the sky.  No joke.  A shooting star bigger than I’d ever seen literally unzipped the heavens.  It was beautiful and so close!  We both started shouting and laughing and were in total amazement.  What perfect timing!

Of course, no one else from the house saw it.  And I wondered if we were the only ones on the lake looking up at that moment, if our excitement carried over the water to a campfire whose flames only drifted towards the heavens, fading out as ash before ever knowing life above the tree-line.

It’s a funny thing about shooting stars, or falling stars, as it were.  How closely they mirror those precious moments in our lives where joy lives.  Where happiness follows.  The beautiful moments that happen mostly when we’re not looking for them.  They happen in our peripheral vision.  So special are they that we keep our eyes trained on the map of stars, a hole punched sky, a network of galaxies and seconds of time where we live, interact, believe, fall, dream, rise, learn, release, fail, fly and grab ahold of anything ALL of every moment we have here on this earth knowing that if we do this, if we set our gaze down somewhere in the middle of it all, we might get a glimpse of something really special.

So many times, I have missed this opportunity.  I’ve known what it’s like to hold onto something so tightly.  I’ve known what it means to focus everything I have on one thing and pray that it changes, or doesn’t change, or does what I want it to do.  I’ve been the stargazer whose eyes flit from star to star hoping that I’ll catch the projected arc of light from it’s beginning all the way to it’s end.  To not miss a thing.  All the while, the universe is raining stars and I cannot see them because I am looking over here...

I guess what I’m saying is the heavens hold a trillion billion zillion miracles.

There is magic in the periphery and in patience.

There is an arc of bright orange brilliance ready to unzip the heavens and you may be the only one ever to see it, and it’s happening all around you, right now.

The irony is that you’ll miss it if you look for it.  So pay attention to the vast expanse of your big big Life and start living it out. 

Keep your eyes on the whole of it all, and you’ll get your shooting stars:)

xokay

and i want and i want and i want it

i am playing with my blog template, as you can see.  this image is of a chandelier in a place called Saxy's in boulder.  cool vibe.  loves it.  anyway, it'll be gone tomorrow (likely).  i'm just in a mood and it makes me experiment, fortunately, on dork things like blogs and my photogs and not with drugs or knives or jalapeno peppers or anything.  i've always had a little nerd in me.

rereading the above sentences made me realize that this post is really, inevitably, not going to amount to much.  that's cool.  it's not a noble post.  it's pretty UsWeekly by way of fluff.  so i've got a few more blips to share before i kick this sucker out to the internets.

a couple of hours ago, i was attending an immersion research study and the mediator says, "Human Beings are a good idea."  i know he was making reference to something specific, but hot dang!  i loved that he said that!  I perked right up.  Yes, yes, we ARE a good idea.  I'm glad we were made.

and i'm glad music was and continues to be made, too.  and that people who aren't anything like me know how to sing and put on a show.  like the other day, when i went to see Arcade Fire at the BOAP and they were SO DEEPLY LEGIT that even the mitochondria in my cells were hi-fiving each other.  i don't even know how that can happen, but I'm pretty sure it can. it was so good and full of energy.

speaking of music, i'm also loving the temper trap.  and seeing as how i've bought my ticket for their late Sept show, i can't be one to not listen to them over and over.  i even threw their set on during my awful set of 1-minuters on the Esplanade yesterday* and still felt ambitious and pumped up enough to pick up the pace on the cool down back to my apt, whereby i followed a very fast-looking runner - who was in serious need of a burrito - back to marly-b.  i think we share my street.

one song that can't get off the playlist is called Fools.  "Sometimes we build things to fall..."  hello, awesome line.  good first album.  but i love the video to "Love Lost" so here goes it.  and now i'm exhausted and not making sense.  hitting the pillow in a big old city.  enjoy your night.

exohs,

kay

*don't ever try to do your sprint session when those canadian geese are pooping, eating and fighting each other directly in / on / around your sprint path.  it won't work.  they will win.