i wish i could write happy, positives right now. A rainy night could use a lift.
I wish i had a million happy thoughts. if you were to ask people who know me what i’m like, they’d say i’m pretty filled with happy. and most of the time, they are right.
today i am melancholy. today i think about a lot of things.
I think of the special time I had this weekend with my grandparents and how Pops is ninety-one and walks with a cane and a shuffle and laughs the same way that he did when i was nine only there’s a lot more skin on his face and his eyes water. I think about my Gram, who plays with my hair just like she did when when i was young. Only now I can have adult conversations with her and tell her about my job and she listens in with the same love that only a Grandmother who loves her daughter who gave life to her grandchild can.
i think about how much longer i have them.
i think about a boy i like who doesn’t like me.
i think of someone i work closely with who is so awful to me and makes me feel small. no one has the right to do that.
i think about my sister who lives halfway across the country and how we have different lives and life moments and how we were attached at the hip until we were 23 and where did the time go and all i want, ALL i want, is to be sitting right next to her and laughing.
i think about my right eye, which is what I focus on for some reason when I look at me in the mirror. It’s what i looked at today when I looked at myself in the mirror after a really hard day at work. And you know what was cool? My iris is not quite deep blue and it’s not exactly “wolf-like” like my mother’s and there are these specs - little dark blue freckles in my iris and my pupils widen really big when I try to look closely at all the striations of my baby blues which got me thinking about sight and seeing and all the things that have touched my heart, because I have seen them first.
I’m melancholy, which is not to say I am not happy. I’m happy, but i am seeing things and their soft edges today, my inability to color in the lines. To make them stay.
today i ran in the rain with Claire who’s friendship is a treasured gift, and I shared how not in control I felt about so many things. it grew night around us as we took down the streets and made some semblance of this strange life with its Givings and its Taking Away. life is hard. we can’t control anything. and being sad about that is okay.
if I were actually in control of Everything, i should think I would trip over myself trying to hang on to all the things that are so important to me. I’d hold on to things so tight it would hurt. sometimes I catch my self with heart-fists (like today) and I will myself to let go. just muscle memory. In this vast world with our small but significant experiences, i am thankful that the One who made my eye is in control of the entire world and all of its problems and heartaches and joys and failures and insecurities. It would be very defeating to not have hope, or faith.
and on days like today i need only my iris to remind me.