helplessness blues

ever have a song that cuts you to the core?  that opens you up, butterflies your heart in a way that joy and sadness, in an effort to separate themselves, become a new thing all together?  this song is it for me.  a new one off of Fleet Foxes soon-to-be-released sophomoric album, due out this Spring.  If this song is telling of the rest of the album, i will be in heaven come May 17th.  I've already purchased my tickets.  you'll come too?
enjoy! it's gorgeous.


xokaymills

 Fleet Foxes - Helplessness Blues by lamusicafresca

*if you head to cafe maroon, you can download the song for free.  yessa!

a relentless wind

i’ve come to understand that complaining is a unifier.  especially when it comes to weather.  it puts you in the foxhole with the other soldiers.  it can be called on to perform at the last minute and there’s always someone to commiserate with.  If we were to tie all of our complaints end-to-end, heat them up and lay them on top of boston, that blanket o’ whine would melt all the snow we’re all so hellbent to complain about.  what’s strange to me is that we all bought here.  we chose this place and last i checked, boston was still that one coastal new england city that would always be in the path of a solid nor’easter.  winters in boston haven’t much changed since it’s long existence and when we penned our names on the deed, the mortgage or the rent application, we chose here.  so let’s try to enjoy it.  ha!  easy for me to say.

I’ll step down off the soapbox now and tell you the real reason I’m enjoying it; i missed most of last week due to being in LA for a photo shoot.  So I got my vitamin D from the 75 degree-not-a-cloud-in-the-sky-weather.  It was like a booster shot to the brain.  Flip-flops never felt so good:)  

Now I’m back and it’s been a week and perfectly timed to yet another snowstorm with some ice on top.  I’ve just started running again and the last few 30 minute runs along the river have been quite the adventures.  For the most part, the Storrow Drive side of the river has been a dream and, as long as you’re keeping your eyes on the pavement for the shiny black ice, it’s been awesome to break open some tarmac.  The Memorial Drive side is absolutely horrendous, however, and I found myself with 2 miles left and 5inch puddles of ice cold water swallowing my shoes.  I found out later that the city of Boston can only distribute that salt/chemical concoction a specific distance from the river, and since Mem Drive is practically on the river, well, you just use the foot-tracks of the people who’ve gone before.  Which turns into slushy icy pools of death.  

Still some issues with the mighty, mighty psoas.  I went to see my favorite massage therapist, Anna Scire at Boston Bodyworker today and was all sorts of supertight.  After laying the hammer to my entire bod, she’s recommended I pay a visit to Dr. David Nolan, a Senior PT over at Mass Gen.  Somethings up with my gait.  My hips are off, my right hip socket clicks and it’s a pain in the butt (pun intended).

So we shall see.  

In other news, I want to highlight some of the things I’m loving up on this winter.  Precious Awesomes that have kept me smiling, warm, or happy.  Most of the time, all three occur. I tried taking pictures with these things on, but I just looked creepy.  Like those people on facebook who take pictures of themselves at weird angles in their bathroom or bed (two places that should never be shared with the public).  So I did my best with mac photobooth.  

In no particular order, may I present...

Super long scarf! This sucker wraps three full times around my neck so that just my eyes appear if I really want them to.  It doubles as a gut-hider and I feel so bohemianly warm (new word).  I also love the color.  

 These gloves.  I wear them running, walking, climbing, sleeping, camping, bonfiring, etc.  So far, I’ve had 3 musicians and about 40 people ask where I got them.  I actually won them back in 2006 at Defi Orford, a mountain trail race in Quebec.  They have cut-outs for your fingers - and I canNOT find them anywhere here in the states!  I’ve looked!!  I once got to yoga only to find that one of these precious gloves was not in my coat pocket.  I literally ran back out and retraced my steps all the way to the T, where I found it on one of the steps! A mini celebration occurred.  This nice girl on crutches laughed.  She must know the feeling.  Needless to say, if one or both of these suckers are ever lost, I will be as well.  

Sorels.  Plaid.  Waterproof.  Enough said:)

Wooly headband.  i scored this beautiful creature at a farm fair in the adirondacks last year.  it was weird buying it in august but it was so worth it.  i've never made such a great purchase so far in advance of winter.  i don't regret it and haven't seen one like it and i met the gal who made it for me, which is always awesome.

There are plenty of other things to get excited about, but in winter, these staples make it fun to rock the free world n’ slippery brick paths that line the streets of Beantown.  May you stay warm these final weeks of winter and find something beautiful to enjoy!

exhos,

kay

now here.

It’s another round of winter outside.  they’re calling for 19 degrees today and an even colder night + day tomorrow.  WHOO.  I didn’t order this weather.  this wasn’t on the menu.  but i’ll take it.  what else can we do?  besides, it is a nice excuse to keep the fires going, eat that second helping of turkey chili and exercise indoors.  

haven’t been able to run much since the first of the year.  my psoas has succeeded (finally) in getting 100% of my attention and this time i’m listening and proactively (by course of retroactively) setting up my core to be the strongest it’s ever been.  this morning I took a class of Core Vinyasa yoga at Back Bay Yoga Studios, taught by the founder, Lynne B.  The class was completely full and the room warmed quickly.  I’d never taken the core class before but it was apparent from the first few minutes that she was going to be tough, and funny, and push us to our limits.  Throughout the hour and a half class I could feel my hips opening up and my arms, back, legs, abs, getting stronger and rooting down. establishing themselves. muscles i had no idea i had and had no idea how to use, were firing.  i shook a lot.  but i held on and found myself often on the edge of collapse/fatigue....you know: The Limit, but i dug in and found that tiny pool of strength located somewhere in this 5’9” frame.  it’s the same pool that fires up on your last 2-minuter, the last climb of a hill session, the release of resisting that suddenly frees you up to gut out the last 2k of a road race with indomitable speed.

it was awesome.

I’m almost a regular at this studio now and it feels good to return a smile to the girl with the blue mat, the tall guy who can do the handstands in wednesdays classes.  it’s like an uber earthy family and no one’s wearing any make up.  i love it.  

last weekend i was out visiting my cousin, Molly, in Northampton, MA.  We were headed out later in the day to see The Felice Brothers perform at Mass MoCa, and decided to take an early morning yoga class, which was awesome (see psoas?  read this.  i am totally strengthening you. i am being patient.  let me run you soon.). 

Now, sometimes teachers direct you through a series of poses and you proceed to hold them for an ungodly amount of time while they walk around + talk about about their day and you’re trembling and holding your breath and silently begging them to bring you back down to child’s pose. but this class was cool. Niema asked us to focus on the “hard part”.  she challenged us to accept something hard and to try.  just try.  try and fail and get back up and try (i think our legs were up around our shoulders at this point, with our toes by our noses).  And then she said this:


“be present.  be now here.  NOW HERE.  don’t hold your breath, don’t lose yourself or talk yourself out of the hard stuff.  then you are no where. NO WHERE.  so you’re either “now here” or you’re “no where” and the difference between these two is the tiniest of spaces and that space sits just below your belly button and it’s always available to you at any time.”  

and it hit me really hard.  and i loved it.  it’s that simple sometimes.  so i held on.  i shook and sweat a lot but i held on and imagined that little space on either side of the ‘w’ ...and i push it slowly to the left and, instead of feeling my fears, i focused on my ability. now here.

here’s a fresh poppy sound that’s been making me joyous.  it’s been on repeat for days.

xo

kay

SNOW DAY!

nothing gold can stay, but for today, today. 
an early morning romp on the streets proved good for every fiber of my being. my camera liked it, too.  after a cup of joe and a few emails, me and my nikon took the streets.  here are some from my neighborhood. enjoy + brrr.
xcxokay

this intersection of mine

what i think when i think about boston

stop, light, stop, light

snow bench

my ladies on the avenue.  i come to them when i need their silent/sage advice

i run by her almost every day and i like to think she's got something she'd like to tell me.

the matron lady

little details like snow on bark

my turn.

 bronzed + cold on comm ave.

walk walk walk walk walk as white as snow

Up through sky + it's a maze (ing)

bladder battle

Well I’m excited for the New Year.  It’s been a pretty eventful one thus far and seeing as how 2011 is just 5 days old, it can only get better.  On Monday, my twin, Mary (I feel the need to constantly reintroduce her to you), was admitted to the hospital for gallbladder surgery.  It was technically “emergency” surgery because most operations are scheduled a month in advance.  This one was scheduled in one week. 

Mary’s had digestive issues for the last few years.  I say issues not to downplay them, but because they were so fickle and severe and elusive that for years, we simply couldn’t figure out what was wrong.  I guess it was mid-summer when she finally went in for a scan and they found some giant mother bleeping gallstones building a house in her gallbladder and, hence the crazy pain.  At the urging of her naturopath, she tried some crazy “natural” way of passing the stones, which entailed green apples, vinegar, limes and olive oil (i kid you not).  Gross.  But it worked...for a hot second.

Then, on Halloween night, the gb (we’re going to shorten the gallbladder from this point on) was in serious tantrum mode and for 8hrs, Mary was on her side in pain.  I heard about it the next morning, how she almost went to the hospital.  First, only popping out another human being should be that hard.  No need to eat a good meal and then be writhing in pain.  That’s shear torture.  And 2nd, let’s thank the naturopath for the witches brew that solved her short-term issues with the pint-sized pebbles and now move onto a doctor.  who can remove the evil blob from your body entirely.

So, when Mare came back home for the holidays, she showed her test results to our family friend and incredible surgeon.  He didn’t like her amylase enzyme count and shizam! we have ourselves a surgery date.

Monday I was all nerves at work.  Not only was it the first day back in 10 days and I had some catching up to do, but her surgery was scheduled the middle of the day and I knew how nervous she was to go under.  Go under.  I’ve never had to “go under”, either and I can’t imagine giving up control like that.  What if you don’t wake up?  What if you feel everything?  I wanted to be right by her side.  But I was at a desk shuffling papers, my mind on her well-being and on her surgeon’s hands.

Surgery runs late and at 5pm I get a call from my crying mother. 

“It’s Mary....”

“MOM. WHAT?”

“She’s...They’ve found stones in her bile duct.  She’s going to need another surgery.  They need to monitor her overnight.”  

an hour later i was on a bus to Maine and stayed with her until midnight.  My mind spun everywhere and I wasn’t even sure it was on my head.  That girl is half my heart.  I almost threw up on the bus.  Twice. 

Today was her second surgery and it was a total success.  They’re still monitoring her, as there is a 10% chance she could get pancreatitis because of the jostling about of the surgical equipment during the operation.  But she’s in good spirits and will likely be released tomorrow.  I feel like I ran a marathon having watched this play out.  I’m sure she feels like she personally ran around the world including all the deserts and the oceans, too.  All with very little food and a whole lot of pain.  Reason #582 she is my hero.

I guess the reason I write all this out, why I write this to you, is because these last few days I have felt more joy and more pain than I cared to, but I couldn’t stop either from coming my way.  They were invisible freight trains appearing right as i hit them. full force.  That razor-sharp aliveness that buzzed the top of my head when my mom called, crying.  The fact that both surgeons ended up being two wonderful men - one a longtime family friend and the other, our next door neighbor who just a few days ago, offered to run a mile with my dad.  Little did he know he’d be working on Mary just days later:)

The number of nurses who were friends from our church, friends from the beach, locals that we’ve long seen in the wide world, who were now holding Mary’s hand on the operating table or swinging by to offer dinner to my parent’s as they sat with her.  I mean seriously.  It was awesome.  And I mean that in the truest sense of the word.  I was in awe at how it all came together, this tapestry of pain and joy and love.  

Mary (in her drugged state) and I were talking about all the cool things that transpired and, despite how terrified she felt, she was never alone.  There was always a familiar face popping up at the right time. The connectivity of it all.  We laughed.  God’s got a sense of humor and perfect timing.  She’s home for another week or so and will be raised back up in good health by the best parents in the world; Big John and Kaks:) 

Thanks to so many of you for the texts, the prayers, and for loving up on her and our family this week.  My parents are definitely MVPs of the year.  Please keep sending good thoughts and prayers her way.  She’s a good egg.  We need her back in the saddle and running down asphalt in a few short weeks.  First race of the season in Oz and that girl is going to Kill It.

xokay

Devon Crosby-Helms: Doing things that scare you

i love this girl's blog and have tried her tasty recipes. i had to post a link to her latest entry because i flippn love it and by the time i reached the end i felt inspired and it's important to be inspired but to act on it - to go there, to the red line - is as scary as it is rewarding. enjoy the read!

Devon Crosby-Helms: Doing things that scare you: "I don't normal consider myself someone who has many fears. In fact, I cannot bring to mind anything that I truly fear. I like to challenge ..."

Little Talks

I was listening to some music as I prepped for home and when I landed on this tune I couldn't stop listening.  Of Monsters & Men are a fairly new group out of Iceland - and recently won Iceland's nationwide battle of the bands competition.  Can't find their album anywhere and it turns out they're not signed....yet.  Very beautiful melodies and almost all acoustic save for one guitar.  I get a kick out of watching the video - from the tattooed hand of the accordionist, to the black cat wall decal just below the curtain, and the crazy hand portrait...there are treasures both visually and harmoniously throughout this little trinket of goodness.  It's no wonder my suitcase has yet to be filled and my clothes are still all over my bed!


enjoy:)
xokay